In a world of stifling economics and threats to national security, a lone figure stands. He walked a road not many had walked and then took up his residence in a big house in London, and the door was black. But before these days, when Michael Jackson was raving the pop charts and Vietnam’s dust was only just settling, that man was a fan of pork. It was not just the sweet meat of pigs that got David Cameron’s goat up however, but it was in fact the teeth, and the tongue, and the throat. Simple jokes may be made about the Prime Minister’s alleged piggy mishap, but those quips of tomfoolery are for the dense, naive and downright dishevelled.
The tales and laughs in this article, which brings together the top ten gaming hogs that Mr Cameron would do well to stay away from, are made of a much heartier breed (not of pig).
10. Fat Princess (Fat Princess)
While not technically a pig, I can see why Cameron would fail to notice the humanity of an overweight woman. Be sure to enjoy those pink dresses while you can, Princess, because the Prime Minister might have you in rags any day now.
9. Professor Pyg (Batman: Arkham Knight)
The only creature on this list, or on the entirety of the planet, that might actually find the Prime Minister appealing in any way.
That’s the Dave Cameron manner: go to a mental asylum or go home.
8. Bad Piggies (Angry Birds)
These green porkers are the primary antagonists of a bunch of angry birds. David Cameron, on the other hand, would neither be an antagonist or angry when confronted with their circular form. They essentially consist of only a mouth anyway, so what would you expect?
7. Warthog (Crash Bandicoot)
Crash Bandicoot was livid when he found the Prime Minister standing in front of his prized hog. The marsupial had a much more child friendly venture in mind when he said that he would take the back.
6. Bebop (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles )
While the partner and best friend of this pig, the military man cum rhino Rocksteady, is named after a style of reggae music, Bebop takes his moniker from jazz, or as David Cameron likes to call it: jizz.
5. Pigs (Tomba!)
The Tomba! Pigs come in various shapes and classes, including Stormy, Earth and Water. They are able to transform the world using an odd form of magic. David Cameron has brought a few of them recently to Downing Street to make a real difference to the country, but, interestingly, their names are Desperate, Grateful, Paid-by-the-Hour and Deepthroat.
4. Dead Pig (Until Dawn)
A fine example of a pig that would fit in perfectly at 10 Downing Street: dead, unmoving and surrounded by students getting fucked.
3. Ganon (The Legend of Zelda)
Known to fans of Zelda as the Greatest Slow Cooker Inventor In All The Land, Ganondorf’s upbringing is one that little have heard. He started out as a poor boy, playing hopscotch and twiddling his thumbs at indiscernible instances of whimsy. That was until the Prime Minister came. Literally.
2. The Lord of the Flies (Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain)
I’m sure this one would take David back to his days at university: placing dead pig heads on poles, talking into conch shells as if they were phones and generally acting like a privileged arsehole with other privileged arseholes. Thankfully for the other lads, no one had resorted to calling the fat boy Piggy.
1. Pig (Minecraft)
Some say that a square peg can’t fit in a round hole, or as David Cameron would say: “You can definitely fit a cylindrical object into the oblong mouth of a square pig.”
What’s your favourite (alleged) fellatio-simulating pig? Be sure to put your suggestion in the comments below.
Or not, because that’s messed up.