Now that Valentine’s Day is coming up, you may be wondering what to get/share with your significant other. I have devised a list that may help you in some way.
This is of course a blatant lie. I have just recently achieved 69 platinum trophies on PlayStation and so, being the funny ha ha man that I am, I thought that it would be appropriate to create a list full of absolute filth to commemorate this occasion. Enjoy!
1. Taste the Cock
If you decide to head into Cluckin’ Bell for an afternoon snack, make sure to jump over the counter like a hungry madman to read the back of your cashier’s shirt.
2. True Grime
A reference to True Crime: Streets of LA on PlayStation 2, Gamecube and the original Xbox. Rockstar’s opinion on this series is thoroughly on the nose.
3. Man Taking A Photo of Another Man Wanking
Not even statues can have privacy in Los Santos.
A reference to the 1997 Nicholas Cage movie, Con Air, in which a load of convicts take over an airplane. Some police men are disturbed while having a donut break.
5. Camel’s Toe Casino
Google this phrase and then show your mother.
6. Clown’s Pocket Casino
Google this phrase and then check your mother to see if she has one.
7. Saint Mark’s Bistro
A location in the mission “Saint Mark’s Bistro” and is well-known to fans of Grand Theft Auto III. A cutscene beforehand shows CJ travelling through the streets of Liberty City, before spreading Italian ragu all over the bistro’s walls.
8. Beat the Cock
A race that relies mostly on stamina. The rules state that you must refrain from heavily petting the other contestants.
9. Masturbating Cereal
Grab a spoon and tug on it for dear life.
10. Axl Rose
Guns N’ Roses singer and straight-up asshole voices K-DST’s Tommy “The Nightmare” Smith.
11. Message on the Gant Bridge
A helpful sign placed high up on this fantastic monument. “Going away” may lead to drowning.
12. Purple Dildo
Just like moustaches and police uniforms, this weapon is most certainly not an item of homosexual antics.
13. OG Loc
OG Loc, friend of CJ and awful rapper, can be heard on the in-game radio. He has an awkward interview with Lazlow on WCTR.
14. Actual Piece of Cable
If you want to be blown away by beautiful architectural wonders then this is certainly the sight for you. Fun fact: this red cylinder is interesting.
15. San Andreas Fault Line
Below a ship, just east of San Fierro, you can spot a large crevice. This is a reference to the actual San Andreas Fault Line and not, surprisingly, an ass crack.
16. Young Maylay
The voice actor for CJ has actually recorded lyrics for the San Andreas theme song. It’s a rap, and isn’t that great.
17. Catalina’s Graves
A set of graves and a shovel can be found near Catalina’s rural hideout.
18. Grave in The Desert
A mass grave filled with body bags is located by El Castillo del Diablo in Bone County.
19. Pirates in Men’s Pants
A casino in Las Venturas that likens a bunch if frisky pirates to the opera, The Pirates of Penzance.
20. Sex Shops
If you want to catch a dirty flick on the cheap, or buy a massive dildo chainsaw, this is certainly the shop for you.
21. Girlfriend Outfits
When you reach 100% progress with one of your girlfriends, she will give you a specific outfit. Barbara will provide CJ with a cop uniform, while Michelle presents him with a racing suit.
22. The Taste of Things To Come
After crashing through a Sprunk billboard in the mission “Reuniting the Families,” CJ and his friends may have been left with a rather salty taste in their mouths.
23. The Moon
If you shoot the moon with a sniper rifle, it gets bigger.
24. Rockstar Star Logo
For all of those in-game astrologers out there, looking up at the sky at night will reveal a star constellation in the shape of the Rockstar logo.
25. Zero’s RC Shop
Action figures of characters from previous Rockstar games can be found inside Zero’s RC shop, including Tommy Vercetti and Lance Vance from Vice City.
26. Model Cars
Similarly, there are also a number of models for Grand Theft Auto vehicles like the Hydra and Swat Van.
An unseen character, named Berkeley, terrorises Zero with a series of remote control vehicle themed mishaps. This may be in reference to the city of Berkeley on the east shore of San Francisco, the real-life version of Zero’s home, San Fierro.
28. Max Payne
This references another Rockstar property, Max Payne, and can be found on a window in Dillimore, Red County. Apparently, Max decided to take up bullet proof glass making in the 90s.
29. Samuel L. Jackson
The bad mutha fucka’ himself, Samuel L. Jackson, plays the game’s antagonist, Frank Tenpenny.
30. David Cross
That nerdy-looking guy from hit films such as Men in Black, Men in Black II and Small Soldiers plays an equally nerdy guy in the form of Zero.
31. Characters from Vice City
Both Ken Rosenberg and Kent Paul, who appear during the Las Venturas chapters of San Andreas, were originally characters in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
Likewise, Catalina’s boyfriend, during the mission “Farewell, My Love,” is still-silent protagonist from Grand Theft Auto III.
33. V Rock Hotel
The V Rock Hotel in Las Venturas is in reference to V Rock, a radio station from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
34. Ghost Graffiti
In a cemetery in Los Santos, graffiti will appear between 8.00pm and 6am that reads “Families 4 Life.”
35. Cluckin’ Bell
Everyone’s favourite chicken-fellatio establishment is a play on America’s favourite vomiting establishment, Taco Bell.
36. Los Angeles Riots
The riots that take place, in the brilliantly titled mission Riot, are based on the Los Angeles Riots of 1992. They too were caused by the acquittal of police officers after a stunning bout of brutality and misconduct.
37. Frank Vincent
Goodfellas, Casino and The Sopranos actor, Frank Vincent, plays Salvatore Leone, head of the Leone crime family in Liberty City.
38. Shaun Ryder
The lead singer of Mancunian band, The Happy Mondays, and the voice of the self-touching Maccer.
39. Danny Dyer
Danny Dyer reprises his role from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City as a cockney music producer. ‘Av it my son.
40. Bill Fichtner
Another reprisal from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, as Bill Fichtner returns to voice the coke addict Ken Rosenberg. Fichtner is well-known for his role in Prison Break, as well as the recent, and thoroughly shite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
41. Rockstar Clothing
Several in-game clothing items display the Rockstar logo in all its R-ing glory.
42. Zombotech Corporation
At least the people of Zombotech are welcoming. Their base of operations can be found in Downtown San Fierro.
43. James Woods
There are a lot of famous people in this game. James Woods, voice of Hades from Disney’s Hercules, plays Mike Toreno, a controlling government agent.
44. Opposition Memorial
A grave stone in San Fierro that reads “RIP Opposition 1997-2004.” Rockstar does not give two monkeys about their open-world competition.
45. World’s Biggest Cock
There’s nothing funny about a giant cock at all, I’m sure.
46. Ballas Blowjob
In the mission, “Cleaning the Hood”, a Ballas gang member can be seen getting his much smaller cock fellated in a back room.
47. Tiki Theatre
The decorative figure above this Live Nude Show building is the hidden package collectible from Vice City.
48. Michelle’s Dildos
One of CJ’s San Fierro girlfriends has an interesting collection of cylinders in her garage.
49. GTA Playing Cards
Each of the playing cards in the Las Venturas casinos have images of characters from previous Grand Theft Auto games, including Ricardo Dias and Candy Suxx from Vice City.
50. Pro Laps
The name of this sports attire shop is in reference to a rather unsettling rectum disorder. Make sure to Google this one as well.
51. Old Reece
Old Reece the barber says such lines as “Tell Big Smoke he needs a cut,” indicating that he may be a friend of the Grove Street Families. He also looks a lot like Morgan Freeman.
52. The Jackson 5
Images of The Jackson 5 can be seen hanging up in Old Reece’s barber shop.
53. Disgraceland Wedding Chapel
A poster in Las Venturas displays an advertisement for this chapel. It is a parody of Elvis’ home, Graceland, and thoroughly explains America’s 50/50 divorce rate.
54. Bridge Facts
If you want to be a real interesting man, you can go out by the Gant Bridge, next to the big piece of cable and read some facts about this actual bridge that’s close by. The font is a mixture of cedar crescent and Albuquerque blue ointment and the trim is made using fifteen strips of real-life metal substance. If you really want to have a wild time, definitely do this.
55. CJ Targets in Ammu Nation
Cardboard cut-outs of CJ can be found as targets in various Ammu Nations throughout San Andreas
56. World’s Biggest Prick
A building that would put the World’s Biggest Cock to shame.
This neighbourhood in San Fierro is in reference to, what I believe the kids call, reefer.
58. Hot Coffee
In-game files that were deactivated by Rockstar, but not removed from San Andreas before release, were found to have contained a sex mini-game for CJ and his girlfriends.
59. Half Life Crowbar
The weapon of Gordon Freeman from the Half Life series can be found on an operating table in Area 69. He probably uses it to hit people. I have never played Half Life
60. Earthquake Memorial
The collapsed portion of a bridge, along with a bouquet of flowers, memorialise the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
61. Reservoir Dogs Reference
At Verona Beach, a cinema sign states that “Reservoir Dregs” is now playing. This is an obvious parody of the Quentin Tarantino film, Reservoir Dogs.
62. Fire Crotch
In one of San Andreas’ many strip clubs, one stripper in particular has received a rather nasty friction burn below her underwear.
63. Candy Suxx
A portrait of the pornstar Candy Suxx, from Vice City, can be seen hanging up in various homes throughout San Andreas.
64. Tony the Parrot
A parrot in residence at Caligula’s Casino in Las Venturas says the line “I haven’t fucked anybody over in my life who didn’t have it coming to them.” This is a phrase spoken by Tony Montana in the 1983 movie, Scarface.
65. Las Venturas Signs
Giant Neon signs of Avery Carrington and Candy Suxx – both characters from Vice City – can be found in Las Venturas.
66. Terminator Truck
In the mission “Just Business” Big Smoke and CJ are chased by a large truck while riding a motorcycle, a reference to a similar scene in Terminator 2: Judgement Day.
67. San Fierro 69ers
You know your ball game is going strong when you have a well-greased bat in your hat, and a hotdog warming in your wife’s for a quick bite after the game.
For those of you that don’t understand the hilarious point of this article, it’s that 69 is a number that signifies a sex position. Look that up as well.
68. Area 69
Although two areas are usually involved in a 69, this area is on its own. Therefore, it should really be called Area 1.
69. Pier 69
Spreading its dock out into the big blue wetness of the San Fierro Bay, Pier 69 is the best place for anyone to come.
It is America’s #1 salty paradise.
Did I miss any of San Andreas’ many Easter Eggs? Probably not, as some of these are certainly a stretch.