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How Your Favourite Characters Vote in the 2024 UK General Election

UK Election Game

The UK has launched into General Election fever, so of course all anyone is thinking is: “How would my favourite video game character vote?” By ‘anyone is thinking’ we mean no one, but we found this pitch funny, so we’re running with it.

We will abstain from discussing actual politics in a serious manner, because it’s just not that much fun and we don’t fancy being on the wrong end of pitchforks (Editor’s note: Kill them, just not me).

There are some characters I haven’t done, to avoid screaming into a pit of despair, because to discuss them politically and by which party they would vote for would remove the comedic tone from this piece. Dear readers, I’m trying here, but most of the time when I discuss politics it ends up with me kneeling and the camera directly above me moving away as it starts to suddenly rain.

Anyway, without further ado, let’s scream a bunch of expletives and burst into tears discuss politics.

Mario

It really depends on how you interpret Mario’s actions here, but I suspect his stance would likely depend on how political parties act on reusable plastics. If you interpret our fine little plumber as attempting to make turtles extinct, then he probably wouldn’t be in favour of cutting down plastics. He can breathe a sigh of relief on that front though, as a University of Birmingham study found that politicians aren’t too fussed about it.

Now, it might all be a light bit of joshing around with the turtles, he might want them to survive being repeatedly stamped on throughout a 33-year career. I doubt that, though, so we say he’d abstain from voting, and throw a few fireballs at the Green Party’s campaign.

I just accused Mario of trying to make an entire species extinct and tried to back it up; this is a low point in my career.

Sonic the Hedgehog

Sonic isn’t voting for any of the major parties, given that being a hedgehog, he feels utter terror at how comfortable they are with letting bonfire night happen every year. If you’re wondering why Sonic 06 was such a mess, it’s because they had to recast Sonic after he tragically perished during the 2005 night. The yearly event is where British people gather to celebrate the execution of a guy who tried and failed to blow up the Houses of Parliament over 400 years ago… and we’re completely over it.

Anyway, Sonic will vote for the Animal Welfare Party, who probably didn’t like this bit at all.

Pac-Man

Let’s be clear here, Pac-Man is a high-functioning drug addict. He manages to walk around brightly coloured flashing mazes, eating a ton of pills while anxiously shaking about how ghosts are chasing him. I say he’s high-functioning because not many people can take that many drugs while selling over 48 million copies of anything. Oh wait, yeah, the music industry.

Anyway, given their stance on drugs, a study found that Labour has the most people in favour of legalisation when it comes to cannabis and soft drugs. So he’d likely be most at home there.

Solid Snake

So we originally shot this as a two or three-minute clip for the website. Unfortunately, it was directed by Hideo Kojima and it became a three-hour movie, which Konami then sued us into not releasing.

Anyway, Solid Snake is another person who has a surprisingly specific regional affiliation, in that he’d vote for the SNP but from England. See, he’s your friend who has never been to Scotland, respects how they talk in the House of Commons, but wouldn’t recognise any of their faces. He knows the name of their leader, but even then he’s still not sure if it’s a codename or not. He’s still trying to figure out how he can sneak into Scotland, vote, then get out without being seen. It’s perfect.

Dragon Quest’s Slime

It would ruin the game if the Slime wasn’t there; it can be a bit of fun even if it’s never a serious opponent as it gets trounced every time. It votes Liberal Democrat, next.

Cloud Strife

Is that Aidan Williams writing about Final Fantasy? What a big super surprise that is. Anyway, Cloud is a little bit miffed that you’re all wondering who he’d even vote for; he’s literally an eco-terrorist. If you thought that the Nibelheim Incident was traumatic for him then that’s nothing compared to him trying to tell Barrett that he voted for anyone other than the Green Party. Thankfully for him though, murderous psychopaths take up a lot of time, so he’ll go peacefully and vote for the Greens. He does care about the environment, as much as his beloved motorcycle isn’t the greenest option nor is a susceptibility to being near massive explosions.

That was your casual reminder that one of the biggest games of all time, from 1997, was a very unsubtle allegory for climate change.

Trevor Philips

This man is apathetic, angry and just a bit mad. He’d vote for Count Binface, without realising it’s a joke. This is all assuming that Trevor lives in Uxbridge and South Ruislip, an area that has been known for producing characters who mix complete and utter terror with comedy. Okay come on, that joke was worth the brief foray into politics.

Pikachu

Everyone’s favourite electric rat-like thing is a proud badge-holding member of the Conservatives. See, Pikachu’s main job, outside of maintaining Ash Ketchum’s complete lack of ageing, is to produce electricity. Now, given that Pikachu is Japanese, he wants to ensure that energy imports don’t go down. So he doesn’t like Labour’s plan for energy independence but the Conservatives are much more vague on this. Given that the Conservatives’ proposal for national service doesn’t include 10-year-olds, it means they’ll keep his master safe. Pika Pika? No, more like Rishi Rishi!

Tetris’ L Block

So the blocks in Tetris have never really expressed any political opinions, other than if a certain number of things line up side by side they disappear. I’m not going there other than to note it casts a rather different light on my primary school’s obsession with having us line up.

No, the only other big element of Tetris is that every block consists of four blocks and they are remarkably loyal to that. Politically, it is their only distinguishing feature. So you know what that means right? Yes, the game developed by Individual Olympic Athlete-ian Alexei Pajitnov, is secretly Welsh.

Plaid Cymru currently has three seats and is comfortably the closest to representing the perfect political party for the L Block. Four members, no more, no less. Perfect.

Pyramid Head

Now, if Pyramid Head is appearing to vote in an election, it can only mean someone is riddled with guilt and inner torment, as that is what this famous monster symbolises. This monster understandably wants to stay alive so he must continue the anguish. The Conservatives have been in power since 2010, in coalition with the Liberal Democrats for the first five years, and solely since 2015.

The polling has been somewhat poor for them since 2019, with some difficult by-election results. With the Tories in turmoil but still in government, it means Labour have not tasted sweet power in 14 years, which only means more sadness and anguish! Pyramid Head is a chirpy chap and why do I keep defaulting to referring to Pyramid Head as a man?… Men, we need to do better. Anyway, he’s happy with the status quo, he just wishes the weather was a bit nicer.

Various – A Zombie

Brains? Brains?! Not at the Houses of Parliament buddy. Sorry. This is your mate from uni who claims to be an anarchist but is just too lazy to get out and vote… with apologies to the one actual anarchist at uni who I did know. When it comes to voting the zombie abstbrains.

Arthur Morgan

Upon speaking to him, I swiftly realised he doesn’t care about UK politics, he’s much more about the US Elections… oh and also, that my medication has gone missing. Anyway, back to the interviews.

So Arthur has two problems here: he’s in a gang and likes to carry out armed robbery but he also has tuberculosis. Which, by the current standards of US politics, makes him a classical neutral… that one is definitely getting edited out. Anyway, he came up with a pretty clever compromise.

Morgan will vote Democrat, in the hopes they win so he can partake in January The Sixth 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Did you enjoy this piece? Oh god, why?! Anyway, if you want another humour piece, check out my confessional article about agreeing with one of the most famous villains in gaming.